Penny for the Guy
by bytoutatis
Summary: It's the fifth of November, and the residents of Barracks Two have plenty of gunpowder, treason and (a hopefully fully-functioning) plot. Written for the Short Story Speed Writing Challenge!


The flood hadn't lasted very long and hadn't been extremely powerful, either. It had, however, managed to infiltrate the radio room below Stalag Thirteen and get its hands on all of the radio equipment. In fact, the only thing left undamaged had been Kinch's copy of "The Great Gatsby"- a good read, though not something anyone in Barracks Two would classify as important.

The flood had brought with it a melancholic mood across the already freezing winter barracks. Most of the men sat silently on their bunks, mourning the loss of the radio and their limited contact with the outside world. Kinch was working on repairing it, but they were running dangerously low on parts.

Klink had crumpled after the flood- he believed it had been caused by saboteurs. The Iron Eagle's solution? Call in the friendly neighbourhood Gestapo! Now the operation had the added threat of Hochstetter's patrols stumbling over their tree stump every once in a while.

They were definitely up the creek without a paddle this time.

Colonel Hogan sat on the table in the centre of the barracks, stroking his chin in the way he always did when he was trying to think of a plan.

"Gee, Colonel, there's gotta be something we can do". Carter was the first to speak. Despite being known for being generally upbeat, even he sounded more dismal than usual.

"I'm afraid not." Hogan sighed. "With Hochstetter's goons out there in the woods, there's no chance of asking the Underground to help. As for London, well..." Hogan walked over to the tunnel entrance. "How's the radio getting on, Kinch?"

"Lousy" Kinch shouted in reply.

"Couldn't we risk it, Colonel?" Asked LeBeau.

"No, it's too dangerous." Hogan sighed. "Unless...unless we had some sort of diversion, to pull the Krauts away from the woods. It would have to be here in camp, so we don't have to risk sneaking past them."

"I can tell you've got a plan, Colonel" Newkirk observed. He turned to the rest of the occupants of Barracks Two. "You can tell easily, after a while. It's that face 'e makes." It was true-Hogan did have a plan. Well, less of a plan. More of a...plot.

"You're not far off, Newkirk." Hogan smiled. "Tell me, what day is it today?"

Newkirk frowned. "Well, sir, I believe it's November the fifth. I don't see what that 'as to do with anything, to be perfectly 'onest."

"Come on, Newkirk" said Kinch, climbing up the ladder and onto the bunk above the tunnel entrance. "You've been going on about it for weeks."

"Oui- I was glad when you didn't mention it today" LeBeau stated, taking a drink from his mug. "I was thinking of giving you a detailed summary of La Révolution française".

Even Carter caught on. "Yeah, Newkirk. All this stuff about a guy called Guy- I mean, who even names their kid Guy? I don't blame him for wanting to blow up the-"

"Blimey, it's Guy Fawkes Night! 'ow could I forget?" Newkirk's face lit up, his eyes narrowing as he tried to deduce the Colonel's thoughts. "Colonel, you aren't going to-"

"Oh, I'm going to, alright. Gentlemen-" the Colonel stood up, addressing the entirety of the barracks. "Tonight, you will all be witness to the greatest Guy Fawkes Night you've ever seen."

HH

"Colonel Hogan, I hardly think that-"

"Kommandant, the Geneva Convention clearly states that prisoners must be allowed to celebrate national holidays!"

"Guy Fawkes Night is hardly a national holiday" Klink responded, bringing his swagger stick down onto the desk with little force. "Besides, it would be a hazard, with all the dynamite the Gestapo have stored in the cooler." Hogan raised his eyebrows. "No fires will be built, and that is the end of it."

"Alright. But when Hochstetter gets back from Gestapo Headquarters, you'll have to be the one to explain why all the English prisoners are rioting" Hogan remarked slowly, reaching out to Klink's open cigar case.

The Kommandant snapped it shut and stood to attention. "R...Rioting?" he stammered.

"Uh huh" Hogan replied. "The English are very patriotic about Guy Fawkes. They didn't get to make a bonfire last year because of the snow, and they're close to breaking point! Newkirk, for example, the poor guy comes from a broken home..." The Colonel began to walk over to the window casually, warning himself not to oversell.

"Colonel Hogan, do you expect me to believe this? I can see through your little plot to escape straight away." Hogan had to stop himself smiling. "There will be no bonfires, and that's final."

"Fine, sir, fine. But..." he sighed and turned away. "Never mind. It's nothing."

"Aha! It's something, I can tell it's something!" Klink cried triumphantly. "What is it, Hogan?"

"I'm sure it's just a rumour-"

"I will be the judge of that! What is this...rumour?"

"I heard, Kommandant, that Hochstetter is questioning your loyalty. He thinks you're a frequent customer of the black market."

"The black market?" Klink looked positively horrified and sat back down at his desk wearily. "Nonsense. I am the most loyal German officer in the whole of the Third Reich-" he glanced up at the picture on the wall, "except him, of course."

"Oh sure, you're loyal. But will the Major believe that? You need something that will impress him. Get him off your back. And what better way to impress a German officer but with a celebration of how kind you are to your prisoners!"

Klink seemed to consider the idea for a moment. "Yes, yes. Alright, Hogan, your men can have a Guy Fawkes Night."

"You're very lenient, Herr Kommandant. Lenient, but ruling with an iron fist" Hogan added as an afterthought.

"Of course, of course. You are dismissed." Hogan saluted and swung open the office door. "Oh, and Colonel? Where on earth did you hear about Hochstetter questioning my loyalty?" Klink enquired, raising an eyebrow. Hogan smirked.

"Oh, just from somebody with a very big imagination." Klink nodded knowingly, watching as Hogan left the building.

"A big imagination...well, I can rule out Schultz."

HH

"Colonel 'ogan is ruddy crackers. Round the bleeding bend. It's all this captivity that does it to a man, I'm telling you." Newkirk complained vigorously, chopping up some of the wood they'd stored from the last work detail.

They were in the tunnel, to save any guards or worse, Gestapo, stumbling upon an effigy-making contest. It was Carter who'd suggested the idea, but everyone was sure that not even Klink wouldn't suspect something was up.

"Hey, remember it was you who gave him the idea" Kinch reminded him, stuffing an old pillowcase with sawdust. "In fact, if you hadn't been so hung up about it in the first place, none of us would even know who Guy Fawkes was!"

"Well, it's basic general knowledge, isn't it?" replied the Englishman, a tad sarcastically.

"I kinda like him" Carter smiled, stuffing one of his old bedsheets. "The story, I mean. But I'm sure he was a nice fella, and all that."

"Well, pyromaniacs do have to stick together" LeBeau grinned.

Carter smiled, choosing to take the Frenchman's statement as a compliment. "Hey, tell me what happened after they caught him, Newkirk! You left that bit out!"

"Non, do not tell him" LeBeau commanded, hitting Carter's shoulder. "I may faint. You English were brutal. I don't suppose Sir William Wade-"

"Waad. It's Waad." Newkirk corrected with an air of annoyance.

LeBeau wore a satisfied smile. "I don't suppose Sir William Waad knew anything about 'coup de grâce'".

"I don't think anyone around that time knew anything about 'coup de grâce'" Kinch muttered in reply.

"Or now, for that matter" Newkirk groaned, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Somebody shoot me, will you? I deserve a medal for this".

LeBeau scowled, turning back around to his job of creating a face for M. Fawkes. He was positioned rather like a connoisseur of the arts, darting around his creation like it was a prized chateaubriand.

"Come off it, Louis, all we've got to do is chuck 'im on a fire. Does it matter what 'e ruddy looks like?"

"I'm respecting English culture, Pierre," LeBeau remarked, "and if he looks like an old mattress, the guards won't think we've put enough effort in."

"He's right" said Kinch. "The more realistic it is, the more the Krauts will think it's an actual celebration". Newkirk shrugged, heaving some more logs into a basket.

"D'ya think it'll be enough to distract Hochstetter?" Carter asked.

"Are you kidding? If we're building a 'uge bonfire in the middle of the ruddy compound, 'ochstetter will want to know about it!"

"Oui, and if he doesn't..." LeBeau mimed drawing a knife across his throat. "Hung, drawn and quartered."

The Colonel entered the Barracks, his eyes gleaming. "The Iron Eagle let slip that Hochstetter's storing dynamite in the cooler. I have a feeling that tonight..." he paused for dramatic effect. LeBeau rolled his eyes. "Is going to be explosive". Carter grinned with delight and Kinch looked quietly pleased.

Slowly, Newkirk raised his hand.

"Colonel" he said quietly. "And this is with all due respect, sir."

"Yes, Corporal, what is it?" Hogan sounded somewhat amused. Newkirk sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

"Sir, you've lost the plot."

HH

The Colonel hadn't lost the plot- in fact, he was just about ready to undertake it. He watched as Newkirk and Carter added dynamite to the hollow interior of the fire, slightly disappointed they weren't going to be exploding up any nearby bridges. It was their own fault, really, blowing up all of the bridges in the surrounding area, plus Hogan didn't want any added risk. A little dynamite taken for safekeeping wouldn't hurt, though. The Gestapo would believe the fire had spread to the cooler, and would be sufficiently distracted.

A staff car pulled up outside Klink's quarters. The sky was dark but clear- perfect for full view of the burning of Guy Fawkes.

"It's Hochstetter" Kinchloe observed, pulling on a black cap. "Boy, he looks angry."

"He's spotted our Guy" the Colonel grinned in response. Klink seemed to be timidly explaining the celebration to Hochstetter, who was yelling. A normal occurrence.

"Does he have enough time destroy it?" Kinch asked, just to reassure himself.

"No, Hochstetter will be too busy yelling. When he's done, it will be too late." I hope.

Around the corner, LeBeau had been distracting Schultz as the dynamite pile in the cooler slowly lessened.

"Come on, Schultzie! One more bite won't hurt. It won't show, under all that blubber".

"Ach du lieber, I can't, Cockroach. You have given me three plates already!"

"Oui, and it's nice, isn't it?" The Frenchman grinned, thrusting the final plate towards the sergeant's face. "One more, Schultz-" LeBeau broke off and stared around the corner.

The Englishman gave him a thumbs up. The bonfire began to flicker, and just as Schultz was reaching out towards the plate, it was whipped away again. LeBeau watched as Newkirk and Carter ran at full speed back to the barracks, then patted his stomach. "You know what, Schultz? Never mind. You're right, it is too much. I suggest you go and find a nice patch of open ground to lie down on."

"Open ground? Cockroach, you aren't planning any monkey business, are you?"

"Of course not, Schultzie. And plotting, not planning. Have a nice evening!" And with that, LeBeau took off around the corner and sped towards the barracks.

Inside, Newkirk had finally got a chance to lie down on his bunk, muttering about his back. Carter was filling up a crate with fireworks, a delighted gleam in his eyes, and Kinch and the Colonel were getting ready to leave.

"Mon Colonel, it is time!"

"I know, I know. Kinch and I can only stay for the explosion, I'm afraid."

Hogan gestured to his men to join him at the window, where they watched the blazing heap of wood and other various bits of furniture that may or may not have been from Klink's quarters grow ever brighter.

"Any second now, Colonel" Carter whispered.

"I 'ope Guy enjoys the trip" Newkirk grinned, taking one last look at the poor figurine in the flames. "Sorry, mate. Bet you never thought you'd be being exploded in your little cell in the Tower, did you? Adds insult to injury, it really does."

A few seconds later, Guy Fawkes was no more. A huge explosion ripped through the Stalag, throwing the five men to the floor. Angry shouts of the Gestapo broke through the shuddering barracks walls, and Hogan grinned.

"Consider it a service to the allies" he said, saluting in the bonfire's direction. "Alright, Kinch, let's go. Enjoy the rest of the party." And with that, they headed down into the tunnel.

Just as they did so, an enraged Hochstetter and a petrified Klink burst through the doors of the barracks. LeBeau quickly sat down on top of the tunnel entrance to stop it making too much noise.

"Who is responsible for this explosion?" the Major yelled, turning to Newkirk. "You! You think this is a celebration? Your fire spread to the cooler, and now there is nothing left of our dynamite!"

"What a ruddy shame" Newkirk responded flatly. "Pity we 'adn't thrown James I in there".

"Enough jokes! Klink, this man is to be sent to the cooler, and that confounded Colonel Hogan- where is Colonel Hogan?"

"He escaped" LeBeau muttered.

"What?"

"Well, gee, wouldn't you if all your hard work had been ruined?" Carter put in with a smile. "Kinch too- they really just wanted to enjoy it".

"Klink!" Hochstetter growled. Suddenly, an ear-splitting shriek broke the silence, followed by an explosion. The three prisoners ran to the window, closely followed by the officers.

"Blimey- Catherine Wheels!" Newkirk murmured in surprise, watching the rainbow fireworks light up the dark German-occupied sky. Carter nudged LeBeau, who was also watching the sky with wide eyes.

"It's the Colonel and Kinch" he whispered, grinning. "It's gone successfully. I gave them some of my fireworks to take with them, I think it will distract them". Carter was right- soon, all of the Gestapo patrols (including Hochstetter) were out in the forest looking for a non-existent firework lighter, and Hogan and Kinch were briefly forgotten. The guards in camp were scattered and confused, and Klink was at his wit's end.

LeBeau, Carter and Newkirk joined him in the compound, watching in delight as more and more fireworks light up the night. Klink was not watching in delight.

"What am I to do?" he muttered grimly. "They'll be hearing about this in Berlin, and there goes my hope of promotion".

"Kommandant?" Newkirk spoke, walking towards a piece of rubble on the ground. He picked it up and returned to a despairing Klink.

"What? What is it?" Newkirk lifted his arms to show the burnt pillowcase with a crude face on it to the Kommandant.

"Penny for the Guy?"

HH

Thanks for reading! This is my first ever entry for any sort of challenge on this site, and I finished this one right on the deadline, so I am aware it might not be fully up to scratch. (I even went so far as to calculate how much extra time I would have if I published it on midnight Hawaii time!) I really enjoyed writing this, despite how stressful it was!

Guy Fawkes Night: More commonly known as Bonfire Night and celebrated mostly in the UK but sometimes worldwide, Bonfire Night has been around since the early 1700s. It is in honour of Guy Fawkes- the plotter who, on November the Fifth 1605, attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament in London in a bid to kill James I. It was foiled, however, when he was found by some guards, tortured for information in the Tower of London (Newkirk references 'the Tower') and finally hung, drawn and quartered. Gruesome, but that was seventeenth century England for you.

William Waad: (Referenced by LeBeau who did not make an error by calling him "Wade" as his name was sometimes spelt that way). Sir William Waad was the Lieutenant of the Tower and oversaw Fawkes' torture and execution.

Coup de grâce: French for literally 'blow of mercy' and a common phrase in the English language- a death blow to end the suffering of a person/animal.

Penny for the Guy: More commonly used in the past, "Penny for the Guy?" is what children would ask when knocking on people's doors the day before Bonfire Night, often carrying the figure of Guy Fawkes destined for the next day's ordeal. With the money they earned they would buy fireworks.

Again, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!


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